Keep your Enemies close but your Friends closer!
So Guyz, this is my first story for a LONG time. For those of you that remember, they sometimes get a bit LONG … so beware before reading!
Unfortunately for ME, I haven’t been too well since the summer … in fact our Fam has had a REALLY sh*t year with Aidy, Dad and now ME getting ill! Aidy and Dad are great now … but I’ll NEVER be the same again. So, I ended up with Sepsis because my immune system has got sooooo weak with all the times that I’ve had covid. I ended up being admitted to Hospital and put on infusions with saline and antibiotics … but I kept getting worse. I felt sooo f*kin ill that I just wanted to di*! I wasn’t aware of anybody or anything around me for weeks. Then I started to come out of it a bit, but started with other neurological symptoms … I even had REALLY bad and serious fits. I had trouble with eyesight, nerve pain, balance and I lost the ability to walk! So, by now we’re at the end of October / November and the Hospital start sending me for like LOADS of scans because they don’t know why I’ve got these neuro symptoms. The answer is not good for me, I’ve now got a long-term neuro illness … I still don’t like using the name! I can improve a bit, but I’ll never be like I was. I might walk or run again eventually … if I’m lucky, but it won’t be forever and remember I’m still young and f*kin immature 😊!
So, the story. Well, I haven’t been at skwl properly since term started in September, my uniform is still like brand new! Whereas Ross looks like his is ten years old and his blazer is tatty 😊, just like I want mine!! Just to set the picture, I have a brand new ‘stiff’ poly blazer, two pairs of new skinny pants, five new skinny white shirts (unfortunately last year’s all got ripped with the ‘napkin’ challenge 😊), a new jumper, new tie, white sports sox (adidas) and new Kickers shoes. Ross has pretty much the same, as we bought them together … but his are ALL pretty f*kd up now 😊!
So, I’m walking with pogo sticks at present, but I can’t get the hang of it and fall over LOADS! It hurts but I’m a tough lad … NOT. I also get pretty exhausted quickly, so a skwl day is long for ME! I went back to skwl for the first time properly on Monday and fortunately, it’s been pretty mild and warm for November. As you know I don’t like wearing proper outer coats and they are banned on skwl grounds, but I have bought a shiny black TNF North Face feather bubble jacket for when it gets really cold, I didn’t wear it this week. So, Ross’ Mum took us to skwl Monday and dropped both of us off. I struggled in with the pogo sticks, but everybody was literally taking the p*ss! I got called sp*s so many times … and that REALLY annoys ME!! Normally I would scrap over that … but meet the new Ry, f*kin USELESS pussy! Anyway, the Headmaster saw me struggling down the corridor … and remember he LOVES Me, NOT! However, he did suggest that I should get the wheelchair from the Nurse’s Office and use that while my legs get stronger … that could be a LONG time though. So, like a good little lap dog scruffy Ross goes to fetch it. Now it sounds a good idea, BUT … it’s not very modern. It has four small pneumatic wheels which are all under inflated. It hasn’t got a comfy cushion seat and you can’t propel it yourself … you need someone to push it. I hear you ALL shout … “no problem, you’ve got scruffy Ross”. And in principle you’re all right, but Ross is no longer the sensitive type … remember payback is a b*tch and I deserve LOADS of payback 😊! I get into the chair and he produces this nylon belt thing that ‘apparently’ I have to wear to hold me in the chair … because of health and safety. It’s supposed to stop me falling out … but it will become relevant later.
Anyway, we’re off to registration, where I am welcomed back by Mr. Swim … who promises to get me right and also by LOADS of my mates. But one lad, who I will call ‘Bumb*clart’, look it up if you want 😊, continues to take the p*ss and call me sp*s boy! We do have history … but really is this necessary now? How old are you? We go to assembly and then lessons, in fact the morning goes pretty well … apart from being DELIBERATELY pushed into several doors, posts and pillars! But this is just Ross’ driving and the fact he is ‘getting even’ … just wait Ross!! Monday goes well, I’m knackered from it and have bruises ALL over my legs … but I’m pleased to be back. I’ve threatened Bumb*rclart several times!
Tuesday comes and it’s like TORRENTIAL rain and forecast for ALL day! No probs I think, what can happen in a wheelchair, and I’ve got Ross to push me about to classes. We get dropped off again and neither of us have coats, just blazers on! We get a little damp struggling to registration, but nothing significant and then I’m strapped into the chair again and chauffeured by Ross, who needs an accident management course! Morning lessons go well and lunch arrives. The Ladz all end up by the back door to the yard and field, a couple open the door and it’s an understatement to say it’s WET out!! In fact, the yard was partly flooded, but when did that ever stop us? A few yr7 lads are already out there running around enjoying the rain. Jake calls one over to the door, “is it cold Sprog?” “Nah man, it’s cool!” The lad’s hair was already plastered, and his blazer shone wetly. His shoes shone as well, and it was clear his sox were soaking. His trousers were wet to the knees where he had obviously run through the yard flood … his mates were just as wet out there! He looked at me, “aren’t U suppose to be our Mentor … that we’ve NEVER seen?!” “Yeh, I’m back now.” “I’ve heard A LOT bout you, is it Ry? What use are U in that tho?” I have to say that WAS a reality check. He ran off back out in the rain to his mates, obviously not giving a stuff that they would all be completely saturated by the end of lunch! I remember thinking how I wished I was just starting yr7 again, with legs that worked 😊!
Jake looked at the rest of us, “are we goin out then Boyz?” The resounding answer was “F*CKIN OFC!” So, we went out. Now remember I’m in the chair and there is absolutely NO chance I’m able to play footie. So kind-hearted Ross (yes I did say that), puts me underneath this shelter thing to give me a bit of cover … it’s still raining in a bit though and my pant legs are getting a bit damp. The rest of them are setting up goals with bags and blazers. Four lads are just in shirts and the others still in blazers. The game starts and they’re running up and down the yard like they have no care … it’s ALL about the glorious game 😊! The lads in shirts are pretty soaked within five minutes with hair plastered and shirts sticking to their bodies and tails to their pants. Their pants moulded wetly to their legs and white sox flashing as they ran through the puddles. The rest were just as wet with blazers shining and literally dripping from the sleeves and hems. In fact, I would say everybody was completely saturated, like swimming, within fifteen minutes of going outside! We have an hours lunch break 😊!
Now remember, I’m on my own and partly protected in this canopy. I’m strapped into this chair but can’t push myself. The brakes are on as well and I can’t reach them anyway. The bottom of my legs are wet now and I can feel the water creaping inside my shoes and sox. I hear you shout, “not a problem for tough Guy Ry” and OFC you’re quite right … I’m in my element, but not for what is soon to happen!! Anyway, Ross accidentally kicks the ball onto the field and after LOADS of shouting and comments he's directed to, “go fetch da f*ckin ting scruffy!” He steps foot on the field and it’s obvious his shoes are just swallowed by the mud! He turns and smiles at us, “F*CK” he laughs. He goes further and his ankles, the bottom of his pants and white sox just vanish. The rest of us laugh hysterically … “serves U f*ckin right!” He gets to the ball and turns to face us grinning. Aidy chirps up, “DARE U to belly slide!” The others laugh. Ross shakes his head, “put your money where your mouth is!” I actually can’t believe what I’m hearing, this is the lad who was like the advert for the skwl uniform outfitters in yr7 … who is this lad now! Also, who is my Bro Aidy now?! Aidy stamps his foot, “OK, do it for a fiver?” “NO f*ckin chance Muppet … make it £30!” I can’t believe what I’m hearing … this is the lad who can afford to use cash as loo paper! But it’s about the buzz of getting cash out of his mates … wonder where he learnt that one 😊!
Aidy ups his offer to £10 and two others offer £10 each … so Ross has his £30 dare now! I remember thinking, HE will bottle it because he has no b*lls!! But he kicks the ball back and says, “give Ry the cash first”. They all scamper over to me and drip all over me handing the £30. “Got it Ross!” He won’t do it I think, he’s still got his blazer and tie on, but he smiles and starts running. Mud spray is literally flying everywhere, up the back of his pants, his blazer wetly flaps open and mud spray is up the front and back of his shirt. His blazer is getting splattered and it’s even on his face! Other wet lads from the yard see what’s happening and start to run over to watch. I can feel something stirring in ME 😊! Ross leaps in the air and lands in a particularly wet and muddy patch on the field, temporarily disappearing in spray. Everyone cheers and laughs!! This is the lad who, in yr7, didn’t have ANY friends! He started to stand up, mud covered his face and was in his fancy curly hair stye (it costs him £50 to get his hair done now 😊). The front of his white shirt, tie and blazer were a runny brown mess. Mud oozed down his front. He started to stand up and his pants hugged every muscle in wet brown runny mud! I remember thinking, “what a f*ckin MESS!” But soooo fun to see after three months in hospital. Anybody else gone three months without you know what?!
He wandered over to me, I was obviously laughing. “Stay away from ME, WTFFFF Ross … when did U start dis?!” He flicked mud on my blazer, “nice new blazer Ry! Der wa dis vacancy available while someone wa off skwl ill … so I started to fill da position 😊”. He ran his hands down his thighs and flicked it towards me, it hit my face and shirt. “Want your position back Ry?” Remember I can’t move in this chair, “do that AGAIN and I WILL kick U in da b*lls! No Ross, U can keep it today! How U gonna clean up now?” He laughed, “U’ve turned into a real PUSSY Ry … live a little! I’m goin changin room showers now 😊.” He scampered off grinning to himself, now where have I heard that “live a little” before? Didn’t somebody called Ryan used to say that in yr7?!
The ladz carry on with footie, by now everybody could squeeze their uniforms out. There is not a Teacher or Prefect visible anywhere … too wet for them outside. I’m still relatively comfortable in my shelter, but still getting over the monsters I have created in Ross and Aidy. Next thing I’m aware of Bumb*clart and two of his mates behind ME! I turn my head to look. They were pretty soaked in blazers too, their hair plastered and thighs shining wetly. Now, part of the reason I hate Bumb*clart is he has one of those boys pony tails on top of his head … I HATE that!! His mates have normal cuts like the rest of us. Just slightly across from us is this temporary gutter shower that is overflowing from the top of the building. Suddenly his mate, jokingly says, “DARE U to take a shower Bro?!” As I say, all three are pretty wet, but not soaking. “OK, I’ll do it if U two do too!” Bumb*rclart walks over and stands near it, waiting for the reply. “It’s only water!” I found myself saying … OOPS!! The lads reply, “OK den … just do it!” So, he steps under it and starts to get absolutely drenched, the other two walk over and join him … soon there is three absolutely soaking lads laughing and wrestling under the water flow. I admit I laughed and called them, “DAFT Muppets, or worse 😊!” Mistake, they dripped over to ME. Bumb*clart said, “is that BRAND NEW uniform Ry? Is it ONLY water?” I nervously smiled at him, “you know it is.” I suddenly had this feeling of impending doom.
Next thing the brakes are off and the belt was twirled around to the back of the chair so that I couldn’t undo the buckle! I was then pushed rapidly towards the gutter shower, “blazer needs braking in Ry?” I knew what was about to happen … I was pushed straight under the flow … it was like freezing and beating down on me! I know I was absolutely saturated within seconds … nothing was dry anymore and I was strapped in a chair under this COLD HARD flow of water and with the brakes ON! It wasn’t the only thing HARD! I don’t know how long I was there, but it was quite a while … I even started to enjoy it and thought Who TF cares anyways. But I WILL get even. The next thing Ross is pushing me out, he’s cleaner but just as soaked and now so am I!! “U couldn’t resist it den Ry?” I spat water at him, “U tink dats my idea of fun Ross, being strapped in a chair under a waterfall?” He slapped his wet thighs laughing … “remember I DO know U” he shouted. I have to admit it was REALLY fun being soooo f*ckin soaked in brand new uniform on the second day back. That was the start of the week … more and worse was to follow and it’s ALL the fault of this f*ckin chair!!
We all went back into lessons after lunch … in total there must have been like over 200 totally soaked lads from different years. Nobody got in trouble, but at afternoon registration Mr. Swim did give Ross a few side eyes and a comment about, “white means WHITE Ross” in reference to the state of his shirt. I got off with, “how do YOU manage to get so WET in a wheelchair?” I didn’t tell him though because I’m NOT a grass … even with Bumb*clart!! HE WILL get a nasty surprise though, probably involving scissors and a pony tail 😊!
More of that week to follow, if you lot want it?